


What happens in Vegas... Wait, what did happen in Vegas?

by marvelsprinceofpain



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: But He Is a Little Shit, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drinking, Drunk!Steve is wild, Gen, I made an attempt, Memory Loss, Post-Avengers (2012), The Hangover AU, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Thor is done with these stupid Midgardians, Tony changed more than he gives himself credit for, Tony slowly loses what is left of his sanity, ish, it only gets crackier with time, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 15:05:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelsprinceofpain/pseuds/marvelsprinceofpain
Summary: After Tony throws a wild bachelor party for Clint in Vegas, The Big Three can't find him anywhere... And the wedding is in a few hours...Basically The Hangover (movie) but with the Avengers. Not the same plot, just the same premise.





	1. The Hangover

Caesar’s Palace was absolutely breathtaking, at least according to Steve and Clint. Stark and Thor didn’t even seem to notice the sculpted ceilings and dramatic lighting, going straight to the reception instead.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he smirked at the receptionist.

“Welcome back, Mr. Stark. The presidential suite is ready for you,” she slid them four cardkeys. “Enjoy your stay, gentlemen,” she smiled.

They grabbed their keys and Tony winked at her, making her blush.

 

****

 

“Welcome to Vegas, boys.”

Stark opened the double doors to reveal the magnificent presidential suite he used to stay on back on his party crazy days. The suite, filled with everything they could possibly want or need, was his bachelor party gift to Clint.

“Wow…” Clint looked around with awe in his eyes. He’d been in luxurious places before, when working undercover for shield mostly, but never allowed himself to fully enjoy the experience, there were always more pressing issues demanding his attention. This time he was determined to enjoy everything. “Thank you, man, you didn’t have to do this. This is awesome!”

“Of _course_ I did. You’re marring the Black Widow tomorrow, you brave soul,” Stark smirked, squeezing Clint’s shoulders. “This is probably the last time we’ll even see you alive, buddy.”

Clint chuckled.

“Tony…” said Steve, already exasperated, anticipating the night they’d have.

“Steve…” he mocked his tone. “Ow, he knows I’m kidding. Besides, your babysitting duties don’t start until we’re drunk out of our minds.”

He crossed his arms, “Yeah, bet I’m gonna have a lot of fun with that.”

“Worry not Captain, for I have brought something special for us,” said Thor as he revealed a beautifully engraved wooden bottle. “Not meant for mortal men,” he glared at Tony, “but you and I can have as much as we want.”

“Is it safe?” Steve analyzed the bottle in his hands.

“As much as Midgardian alcohol is for humans. Don’t worry, you’ll still be in shape to babysit our two morons here,” he smirked at Clint and Tony’s glare.

“Alright then,” Stark rubbed his hands together. “Here’s the plan. We freshen up, go gamble, get drunk, Captain Party Pooper here prevents us from doing anything too stupid and whatever happens, happened. We forget about it and move on, deal?”

The group mumbled in confirmation.

“Great! Pick a room. Be ready in 20.”

 

****

 

They stood in the suite’s balcony, admiring the city while they waited for Steve, the soft breeze chilling their skin.

Tony was looking out into the distance, lost in memories, “Hey, Thor...”

“What?”

“How bad is that mead of yours?”

“Not bad at all, it’s delicious,” he smirked, knowing exactly what Tony was asking. He enjoyed being a little shit to Tony because, despite his people skills, he was the only Avenger who was yet to realize Thor wasn’t as clueless as he sometimes pretended to be.

“No, you-” he sighed. “For us, me and Barton. How bad?”

“Just a shot? Not too bad I suppose. You’d just get really drunk. More than that though...”

“Let’s do it then. Just the one. When we’re toasting.”

“ _You_ want to make a toast?” asked an incredulous Clint.

“No, but you can bet your ass Rogers does.”

As soon as the words left his mouth Steve stepped out into the balcony, caring four shot glasses, “I want to make a toast,” he announced.

“Told ya,” Tony whispered as they turned to face Steve and Thor poured the mead into the glasses.

Steve furrowed his brow, “You sure about this?”

Thor shrugged, “One won’t hurt.”

Steve didn’t want to get called _Captain Party Pooper_ again, so he went along with it, if Thor wasn’t worried…

“Clint, our lives are insane. Between dealing with Tony-”

“Hey!”

“-and saving the world, I never though any of us would be able to enjoy any semblance of domesticity or of a normal life. Yet, here we are. You are getting married to the love of your life, and I am _so_ proud of you, man. You and Nat are perfect for each other and even though your marriage may not have anything normal about it, at least your wedding will, we’ll make sure of that. For Clint and Natasha!”

They raised their glasses.

“For being normal!” cheered Clint and they all drank to it.

 

**** 9:34 – (8:26 hours until wedding) ****

 

“Grrrnnn...” he is laying face down on the floor. His head is pounding, his throat is parched, his eyes burn, he doesn't remember ever feeling this way. He never got drunk before, drinking too much was dangerous for an asthmatic like him, he tried it once and ended up in the hospital. His mom talked his ear off for almost an hour. Bucky did it for three. Now that he finally knew what it felt like he wondered why anybody would do that to themselves.

“What...” he looks around to see their room completely trashed. “Oh, man. What did we…”

He stumbles to his feet and assesses the situation. His shirt is open and missing its buttons. He only has one shoe on. There are more beer bottles on the ground than he cares to count. He drinks the water from the minibar and feels better already, so he grabs some more and goes looking for his friends on the unnecessarily big suite.

He finds a stranger sleeping peacefully on the large couch. He looks young, splayed out like that, and would be in a full suit if it wasn’t for his missing pants…

Steve throws a water bottle at him, “Who are you? How did you get here?”

It smacked his shoulder, “What the fuck… Steve? What was that for, man? Lemme sleep…” he groaned and turned to the side, burying his face in the couch.

That voice was familiar. Too familiar… “Stark?!”

“No, it’s the queen of England. Shut up,” he dozed off again.

“Um… I think you better find a mirror…”

That seemed to be enough to wake him up, “What? Why? Something’s wrong with my face?” he sat up.

“You tell me…” Steve handed him a silver plater that was just laying around, _rich people_ …

Stark looked at his reflection and his eyes widened in horror, “Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no. Nope. No. How did this disaster happen?” he mumbled, rubbing his completely smooth chin like it would make the hair grow faster. “I haven't seen my face without my perfect facial hair since I'm 20! I look like a teenager!"

Steve was trying not to laugh at Tony’s dramatic overreaction when Thor stumbled into the room, shirtless and wearing sunglasses, his hair messily braided, “Guys... What's going on?” he rubbed his temples. “Who's that?”

“Apparently it’s Stark,” Steve chuckled.

“Bullshit,” Called Thor. “Stark’s a lot uglier.”

Tony glared at Thor, “Should I be offended or…”

“Holy fuck! It is Stark!” he laughed. “When did you- Wait… Do you guys remember anything from last night?”

“I remember Steve’s shitty toast, unfortunately,” Tony was quick to say.

“It wasn’t shitty…” he mumbled under his breath, slightly hurt. “I remember we were... We... We were drinking your mead in our way to the hotel's casino, don't know if we got that far though...”

“Oh, yeah, the casino…” he rubbed his chin pensively. “I believe I know what happened to Stark’s beard.”

“Excuse me?”

“When we were on the hotel’s casino people were all over you, eventually you got sick of it and said, and I quote 'My goat is too iconic. We need to ditch it.' Don’t you remember?”

Tony stared in disbelief.

“Well, you were pretty drunk anyways… You left after that, I assume that’s when _that_ happened,” he pointed at Tony’s face. “I don't remember your return though. Or anything after... Strange...”

“Is that, like, normal? When you get drunk?”

Tony was flabbergasted by the whole situation, “No, _Steve_ \- That’s not- Weren’t you supposed _not_ to get drunk? Ever?”

Steve raised his shoulders defensively, “I thought so… It was Thor’s booze.”

“Hey, that’s not- I’m no fool, alright? Something is wrong. I wouldn’t have brought something that strong. I’ve drunk that type of mead many times before and nothing like this ever happened.”

“Well…” Tony got up from the couch. “It happened. We forget about it and move on, remember? We have a wedding to attend. Speaking of which, where is the groom?”

They looked around expectantly.

“Barton?” called Tony.

All they heard was tiny _meow_.

“Clint?!” asked Thor.

Tony rolled his eyes, “Unless he turned into a cute kitten, no,” he knelt to pick up the small black cat who had emerged from somewhere in that mess.

“Weider things have happened…”

Tony looked the cat dead in its eyes, “I’m calling you Carlos.”

“We stole a cat?” Steve mumbled to himself. “Don’t name it Tony. You’re gonna get attached.”

“Too late,” he was already sitting on the floor playing with the cat on his lap.

“You don’t even know if it’s a boy!”

“Guys forget the cat. Where’s Barton? CLINT!” Thor yelled.

“Stop screaming, you’re scaring Carlos… He must be passed out somewhere, let’s look.”

 

****

 

“He’s not here,” said Steve.

“Nor is he here,” said Thor.

“Well… I didn’t find Clint, but I found my pants,” said Tony, holding Carlos on his left arm. “My phone was in the pocket.”

“Call him.”

“Way ahead of you, Cap,” he held the phone to his ear.

“Hello,” said the person on the line after a few seconds.

“Clint?”

“No, it’s Thor. Who’s this?”

Steve facepalmed, the fate of the world relied on these people every other week...

“It’s… Tony…” he said, looking straight at Thor, who had his back turned to him. Tony somehow kept falling for his fake cluelessness. Steve thought it was adorable.

“Oh, hi Tony!” he said, with an overly enthusiastic voice and turned around. “I found Clint’s phone!”

“Yeah, no shit,” he hung up. “So, what now?”

“I say we go have breakfast, I’m starving,” Thor suggested gleefully.

“About _Clint_ ,” Tony sighed, exasperated.

“He’ll show up. He’s probably already downstairs anyway.”

They made themselves presentable and went to the breakfast lounge, hoping against hope to find Clint by the coffee machine.

  
  
**** 10:28 – (7:32 hours until wedding) ****

 

He wasn’t by the coffee machine.

“What the hell do we do now?” Tony took a bite out of his croissant. “If we show up without Clint Natasha is going to kill us, that’s for sure.”

“No one’s dying Tony,” Steve put a glass of water in front of him. “Besides, we’re gonna find him. He can’t be that far…”

“Do you know how big this city is? How shady? He’s probably dead in a _ditch_ with a junkie violating his corpse!” he drank his coffee. “Isn’t he Carlos?”

“Meow!”

“See? He’s dead. And so are we.”

“Maybe we didn’t leave the hotel…” Thor was finishing his fifth sandwich. “None of us remember leaving…”

“What we should leave is the country. I have a nice cabin in the woods in Switzerland, it can buy us maybe three days before Nat finds us…”

“We should ask around, see if anyone saw us last night. Will you _please_ drink the damn water?”

“We don’t have time for that, Cap. Come on, I’ve got an idea.”

 

****

 

“Hi. So, this is kind of embarrassing,” Tony chuckled. “We sort of lost our friend, and I found this in my pocket. Is there any way you can help us?” he handed the security guard at the casino a receipt from the night before, showing he traded $50.000 in chips.

“Hey, I know you!” the guard said enthusiastically.

“Oh, really?” he put on his best press smile, expecting the classic fanboy questions.

“Yeah! You came to play with Mr. Stark’s buddy after he left!” that was unexpected.

“No, that’s not- I’m Mr.-” before he could finish his sentence Steve was pushing him aside and squeezing his shoulder to make him shut up.

“What my friend meant to say is: Do you know what happened last night? We’ve had a little too much to drink and things are kinda fuzzy…”

“Yeah, I know what happened! This guy and Mr. Stark’s buddy were on fire! Cleaned all the blackjack tables! Never seen anything like it! Oh, he didn’t run away with all the money, did he? Because if so there nothing we can do, unfortunately…”

“No, no. We just haven’t seen him in a while. We’re a little concerned, is all.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know where we went afterwards, would you, sir?” asked Thor.

“Yes, I would! The tattoo shop down the road!”

“The what now?” Steve squeezed his shoulder again. This time it was his ‘be nice’ squeeze.

“Yeah! It was the other cool thing that happened! These two big blondies were arm-wrestling while you cleaned up! Only one match and it lasted 15 minutes! Made a bet and all, loser had to get a tattoo!”

Their chins were on the floor.

Tony freed himself from Steve’s grip to shake the man’s hand, “Thank you so much, sir. Your help is greatly appreciated,” he smiled proudly and dragged the slightly shocked duo away. “This is gonna be awesome!”

 

**** 10:53 – (7:07 hours until wedding) ****

 

They were in front of the hotel waiting for the chauffeur to return with Tony’s Porsche.

“Hey. What were you squeezing me for back there? What did I do?” Tony inquired.

“You were about to tell him your name, weren’t you?”

“Yeah… So? Everyone knows me anyway,” Tony shrugged, he didn’t seem to realize how arrogant that sounded.

“Exactly. Tony, you shaved that thing off your face for a reason.”

“ _Thing_ ,” he rolled his eyes. “I was drunk. It wasn’t a rational decision.”

“No- Tony, we lost an _avenger_. If the word gets out... We must keep this under wraps. Most people don’t recognize me and Thor in our civilian clothes, _you_ on the other hand… Let’s just say drunk you had our backs, don’t ruin it.”

“When you put it like that…” the car arrived. Steve took shotgun and Thor and Carlos took the backseat.

 

****

 

“Hey, guys. There’s a lot of stuff back here.”

“Like what?” Tony asked. “Maybe there’s something to lead us to Clint.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so... It’s mostly bottles. There’s a shoe here too, and some plastic circles? Oh, what’s this, snake skin?” he tossed a used condom on Tony’s shoulder. He grinned as he was well aware it was a used condom.

Tony screamed and squirmed until he managed to toss it out the window. “I’M DRIVING YOU IMBECILE! Oh, God! Please tell me I didn’t cheat on Pepper with a prostitute…” Tony cried out. “This is exactly what you were here to stop!” he punched Steve’s arm.

“Hey! Punch Thor! He brought the bad booze!”

“I think those are buttons…” Thor said upon closer inspection.

Steve’s eyes widened as he remembered the state of his clothes upon waking up, “How is that shoe you found?” he asked, going for a casual tone but failing.

“Purple heel,” Thor said, and Steve let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. That meant it wasn't him in the backseat with Stark. “Hideous, if you ask me…”

“I can’t believe this… I’m going to die. If Nat doesn’t kill me over Clint, Pep kills me over _that_. Great,” Tony punched the steering wheel.

“Um… Guys…” Thor hesitated.

“What is it now?” Tony whimpered.

“Uh… I don’t know what we drank, but it wasn’t my mead…”

Steve turned to face him, “What do mean? How do you know that?”

“Because mine is right here…” he held up a beautifully engraved wooden bottle. “And it’s full…”

Tony started laughing desperately.


	2. Chapter 2

**** 11:28 – (6:32 hours until wedding) ****

 

They stopped the car in front of the tattoo shop and walked in, Carlos following them.

“Welcome back, Mr. Stark. How can I help?” asked a bald, bearded guy covered in tattoos.

Tony shot a deadly glare at Steve. He shrugged.

“Hello Mr. …?”

“Gargoyle,” he said with a straight face.

“Right… I assume we were here yesterday, is that correct?”

“Yes,” he looked at Steve. “Is everything alright with the tattoo?”

They all looked at Steve’s shocked expression, “ _I_ got a tattoo?”

“That means I won the bet,” said Thor with a smug grin on his lips. “Not that there was any doubt about that before.”

Everyone ignored him, “You guys don’t remember?”

“Where is it?” Steve’s voice rose a little.

Tony was doing his best not to laugh.

Gargoyle raised his palms defensively, “Oh boy… Listen. In my defense, I tried talking you out of it, but you wouldn’t have it.”

Steve took a deep breath, “Just tell me where it is,” he was making an effort to keep his voice leveled.

“Just so you know, you signed a contract. I am in no shape or form responsible for this.”

Steve just closed his eyes, “It’s ok. Just, _please_ , tell me,” he was sweating.

“Your butt.”

Tony couldn’t hold it anymore and busted out laughing.

Steve’s eyes snapped open, “MY WHAT?” his hands immediately reaching his belt.

Standing with his back turned to the full-length mirror and looking over his shoulder he lowered his pants just a little and could already see the black ink. Lowering them some more he saw the beautiful cursive letters on top of each butt cheek.

“Tony S-” Thor was wheezing.

Tony looked and fell to the ground, crying with laughter.

“Tony _Stank_?” unlike the other two, Steve didn’t think it was funny at all.

“You all gave me stupid fake names! He dared you to tattoo his! I knew you’d regret it, but you wouldn’t back off from a dare!”

“He tattooed my name on his butt!” Tony and Thor couldn’t breathe anymore.

“You think this is funny, Stark?”

He managed to get up, “I think it’s hilarious! Turn around, I’m gonna take a selfie with it.”

Steve grabbed the collar of his shirt and had him pinned to the wall in less than a second, “Say a word about this to anyone and _I swear I will maim_ you.”

Thor wasn’t laughing anymore, “Steve, calm down. It’s not his fault you turn into an idiot when-”

He turned and pointed at Thor, “That goes for you too.”

“Take your hands of off me,” Tony pushed his hand away. “Psycho… Go take a walk, will you? Come back when you get your head out of your ass.”

Steve was livid but left with a buff.

“That was weird,” stated Thor helpfully.

“See the shit I gotta deal with?” Tony leaned on Mr. Gargoyle’s counter while fumbling with his wallet. “He’s not usually like _that_ , you know… We’ve had a stressful day, everyone’s a little on edge. We’d appreciate your discretion about the whole tattoo thing,” he slid the man 500 bucks.

“Sure…” he took the money. “By the way I’m only taking this because I know you’re rich. I’m a professional. I don’t go around babbling about my clients, bribe money or not.”

“Of course, you don’t Gargoyle,” Tony adjusted his clothes. “This is a tip not a bribe! By the way, you did a wonderful job…” Stark picked up Carlos from the ground and went on to praise the man on his craft.

Thor interrupted them with a clearly fake cough, “Mr. Gargoyle, yesterday, was there anybody else or just us?”

“Only the three of you, no cat though. Why?”

Tony cursed under his breath, “We have to go to a wedding in 6 hours and we misplaced the groom.”

Thor facepalmed.

“What? The man is a professional!” he defended himself. “You wouldn’t know where he is or where we were going, would you?”

Gargoyle shook his head.

“Yeah, it would be too easy…”

Steve entered the room. He had the decency to look ashamed.

“I wish to apologize for my previous behavior,” his hands were clasped in front of him as he looked at the ground. “Although your laughter didn’t help, I got unreasonably angry over something that was no one’s fault and took it out on you two. Please, forgive me. It won’t happen again. That said, even though I will _not_ maim anyone, I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t mention any of this to anybody else.”

Thor dropped his head into his hands. He was just about done with these stupid Midgardians. If it wasn’t for a missing Clint and a wedding, he would fly away for a vacation in Asgard. In fact, he was going to do that right after the wedding.

Tony looked at Gargoyle, “See the shit I gotta deal with?”

He nodded in solidarity.

“That didn’t sound rehearsed _at all,_ ” Tony sighed. “You ready to go?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you for your help Mr. Gargoyle.” Tony shook his hand.

 

****

 

They were about to get in the car when Thor asked: “Wait. Where are we going? We didn’t find any clues about Clint.”

“Exactly. This was useless. A dead end. A waste of time,” He slapped the roof of the car.” I don’t know about you, but I am going to _kill_ myself before I let Natasha do it painfully. Now, carbon monoxide poisoning sounds lovely, all I need is a hose…”

“We should go back to the hotel, see if we missed anything. Or maybe he went back while we were gone…” Steve suggested.

“Sure. Whatever. Only delaying the inevitable anyways,” Stark got in and drove them back to the hotel.

 

**** 12:37 – (5:23 hours until wedding) ****

 

They heard a high-pitched scream as soon as they left the vehicle, “GRANT!”

A woman threw herself at Steve and kissed him breathless. It was almost pornographic. Tony and Thor’s jaws were on the floor as they watched the intense make out session playing out in front of Caesar’s Palace.

“I’ve been looking for you, hotshot,” she said as he tried to regain his composure.

“I think you’ve got the wrong man, ma’am.”

“Like I could forget that pretty face after what you did to me in that car,” she playfully squeezed his face.

Tony’s jaw couldn’t be closer to the ground. Thor, on the other hand, was extremely amused.

“Don’t worry, I’m not clingy. Just came to return this,” she handed him his key card, “in exchange for my shoe. I think I left it in there.”

“That revolting purple heel is yours?” Thor asked.

She looked offended, “It’s part of the uniform…”

“Wait, if you banged St- I mean, _Grant_ … That means I didn’t cheat on Pepper! Oh, thank God!” he melted on top on the car.

“Oh, you’re _Stank_! Sabrina told me all about you!” Tony immediately lifted his head, afraid he did cheat on Pepper after all. “Grant, your little friend here is the sweetest thing ever! Sabrina said he booked a private dance with her but spent the entire time looking at pictures of his girlfriend, Pepper, on his phone, crying because he missed her.”

Thor only looked at Tony, who let his head hit the roof of the car.

After a few seconds he perked up again, “Worse things have happened. Miss, are you going to your place of employment? Would you accept a lift?”

“As a matter of fact, I am! Yes, I would, thank you!”

They all got back in the car and drove to the strip club not ten minutes away from the tattoo shop they’d just left.

 

**** 13:09 – (4:51 hours until wedding) ****

 

“Bye, guys. Thank you!” she winked at Steve and ran inside the strip club.

“Boy, I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Yup. Apparently, I had wild sex with a stripper in the back of your car. I don’t even know who I am anymore,” the poor man was as red as a tomato.

“What would America think…” Tony said mock judgingly. “Thor give me Carlos, I don’t want his little paws on that filthy place.”

“But _I_ can stay here?” he passed Carlos to Tony.

“If you want to… Let’s go see if Clint is in there.”

They left the car and Stark’s phone rang.

He looked at the caller id, “Ow, fuck! It’s Natasha.”

“Don’t tell her about Clint!” said Thor.

“Yeah, I’m gonna tell her we lost her fiancé!” he scoffed. “Hold Carlos, will you?” he handed Carlos back to Thor. He bit him and jumped to the floor, hanging around Tony’s feet as he walked away to take the call.

He took a deep breath and answered the call, “Hey, Nat. How is it going?”

“ _Where is Clint?_ ”

He was sweating, “Taking a dump. Why?”

“ _Why isn’t he answering his phone? You were supposed to be back before lunch, the wedding is in four hours._ ”

“His phone must be dead. We’re having to much fun to be looking at our phones all the time,” he laughed awkwardly. “And guess what? The hotel offered us a courtesy lunch! And you know Clint doesn’t say no to free food, so we had to stay a little longer than planed…”

“ _Tony, it’s a three hours’ drive back from Vegas. Let me talk to him._ ”

“Two and a half. Two if I drive. I swear we’ll be back on time.”

“ _Give him the phone._ ”

“I can’t, we made a deal. No talking to wives or girlfriends,” it sounded stupid as he said it.

“ _Tony-_ ”

“Ah! Sorry, they are calling us. Gotta go!” he hung up on the Black Widow.

“FUCK!” he yelled.

“Did you just hang up on the _Black Widow_?” Steve asked as Tony marched past them.

“LET’S JUST FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER!”

 

****

 

As soon as they walked in the bartender lit up like a Christmas tree, “Donald!”

He was looking at Thor, who confusedly pointed at himself.

“Come here you beautiful bastard!”

The trio approached the bar.

He looked them over, “Where is your crazy friend?”

“YOU SAW CLINT?!” screamed Tony, to Steve’s frustration. He handed him Carlos to keep him calm.

“Donald, who’s this?”

“Ignore them. You know, I haven’t seen my crazy friend in a while… Do you know where he’s gone to?”

The bartender was side-eyeing Steve and Tony. Steve was rubbing Tony’s back as he petted Carlos with unfocused eyes, “Last I saw him he was with you. He passed out and you said you’d take him home.”

“OH GOD. HE’S IN ASGARD!” Tony shouted, and Steve turned his attention back to Carlos.

“He’ll be fine,” Steve mouthed at the worried bartender, rubbing Tony’s back again.

“You don’t remember last night, do you?”

Thor shrugged.

The bartender laughed, “It’s not that uncommon, you know. Have you checked your phones for pictures?”

“Star-Stank did, right Stank?”

Tony froze, getting redder by the second.

“You did, didn’t you?” Steve asked.

“Listen, I don’t take _stupid selfies_ when I drink!”

“And they call you a genius…” Thor sighed. “Give me that thing.”

“I’ll look…” Tony pulled out the phone and they stood behind him.

He opened the camera roll and they flinched at every shaky picture.

Tony and Clint with a bag of poker chips. Steve and Thor arm-wrestling. Clint drinking straight from a bottle. Thor running with Tony on his back. Steve making out with a stripper. An apparently accidental selfie of Tony crying. Thor and Clint in what seemed like a drinking competition. Clint puking. Thor posing with Clint’s unconscious body. Tony’s selfie with Steve’s ‘Tony Stank’ tattoo on his still red ass. The last one was a video. They pressed play.

 

**

The video showed Thor carrying Clint’s body over his shoulder through a mostly empty parking lot.

“ _Ohohoho!_ ” Tony laughed, judging by the volume of his voice he seemed to be the one recording.

“ _He’s gonna be so confused when he wakes up!_ ” Thor laughed.

Steve ran past them, “ _Come on! Get on with it!_ ” he opened a dumpster.

Thor carefully placed Clint inside the dumpster and laughed with Steve when he closed it.

“ _This is gonna be awes-_ ” the video ended abruptly, cutting off Tony.

**

 

They desperately ran to the back of the strip club.

“CLINT!”

“KEEP CALM, CLINT. WE’RE HERE!”

“YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE!”

They opened the dumpster where Clint was supposed to be. It was completely empty.

“FUCK!” yelled Tony, “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

Steve ran his fingers through his hair.

Thor turned on his heels, looking around like a lost puppy, “He should be her- Why is he not-”

“CLINT? WHERE ARE YOU? CLINT!”

Thor squatted down, fingers pulling at his hair in frustration.

“CLINT!” Tony was still yelling like a madman.

“Tony calm down…” Steve’s voice was shaky.

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE _CALM_? YOU WERE HERE TO STOP US FROM DOING STUPID THINGS! AND YOU TREW CLINT IN A FUCKING _DUMPSTER_!”

“I THOUGHT I WAS HERE TO HAVE FUN WITH MY FRIENDS, YOU PRICK! AND IT’S NOT LIKE YOU TRIED TO STOP US! STOP PRETENDING I’M YOUR BABYSITTER!”

“QUIT YOUR BULLSHIT! WE NEED TO HELP CLINT YOU MORONS, FIGHT EACH OTHER LATER!” Thor put his foot down.

Tony’s phone rang again. It was Natasha.

“AAAAARRRRRRGGGGG!” he stomped.

He answered the phone, “Hey, Nat…”

“ _Tony, where the hell are you guys?_ ”

“Yeah, listen… Ugh… We fucked up.”

“ _What are you talking about?_ ”

“The bachelor party, the whole night… Things got out of control and ugh… We lost Clint.”

“ _What?_ ”

“We can’t find Clint.”

“ _What are you saying, Tony? We’re getting married in four hours._ ”

“Yeah… That’s not gonna happen. Listen Nat, I’m really sor-” Steve tackled him to the ground.

“ _Tony?!_ ”

Steve covered Tony’s mouth and grabbed the phone, “Nat! It’s Steve!”

“ _Steve? Talk to me. What’s going on?_ ”

“Um… Nothing. Don’t listen to Tony, he is completely out of his mind. Probably still drunk from last night!” he laughed.

“ _Where’s Clint?_ ”

“He is grabbing something he forgot on the suite! And we are in a big hurry to get back so we gotta get going! We’ll see you soon, bye!”

“ _Stev-_ ” he hung up on her and let go off Tony.

“What the FUCK, Steve! I swear, touch me again and I’m gonna lose it!” Tony pushed him away.

“I know where Clint is!”

 

**** 13:49 – (4:11 hours until wedding) ****

 

Tony drove as Steve explained his thought process.

“Today is Saturday, right? So, the amount of times a dumpster is emptied is related to the amount of waste expected. A strip club is a public place with higher attendance over the weekends, thus its dumpster is emptied three times a week. Monday mornings, Thursday mornings and …”

“Saturday mornings!” Thor completed.

“Exactly!”

“Wait, how do you know so much about garbage disposal services?” asked Tony.

“I was googling how federal services changed over the last seven decades and got caught up in the moment…”

“Of _course_ you did,” Tony knew he was going to have an aneurism, it was only a matter of time.

“Public service workers are the real heroes of this country, Tony,” he said very seriously.

“I know, Steve…” Tony sighed. “So, while we were waking up in a luxury apartment, Clint was getting dumped into a garbage truck?”

“Unfortunately.”

“But where are we going?” Thor asked.

“Just outside the city there’s a garbage dump, based on the location of the strip club and the most common garbage truck routes I deduced that’s where Clint is.”

 

**** 14:26 – (3:34 hours until wedding) ****

 

They arrived at the garbage dump. It was scalding hot in the desert, which made the smell much worse than usual. They split up to cover more ground.

“Clint!” they yelled at the piles of trash.

“Over here…” Thor heard a faint, weak voice coming front his right.

“Guys! I found Clint!” he ran towards the source of the sound. “He’s alive! Clint, you’re alive!”

“Am I?” he whispered, his skin was badly burned from staying in the sun. Thor helped him to his feet. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Clint! Oh, thank God!” Tony hugs him and immediately regrets it, if not for the man’s screams of pain then for how bad he smells. “Man, you stink!”

“Yeah, must be all the garbage, asshole,” he scoffs. “Stark! This has your name written all over it! What did you do?!”

“Actually,” Thor intervened, “it seems that mead wasn’t really mead and it made us all go a little crazy also you passed out first and we ended up throwing you in a dumpster as a prank,” he steamrolled.

Clint was livid, “On my bachelor party you decide it’s funny to- OH MY GOD IT’S MY WEDDING DAY! WHAT TIME IS IT?”

Steve was quick to answer, “It’s two-thirty, but don’t worry! We can get you there in time!”

“Oh, no way in hell he’s showing up like this! We have to get him under a shower A.S.A.P.” Tony said.

 

**** 15:18 – (2:42 hours until wedding) ****

 

They drove back to the hotel and while Clint took his much-needed shower, Tony showed up with four tuxedos he’d just bought them, Hugo Boss, of course.

“There’s no way we’ll make it there in time,” said Steve, changing into his new tux.

“Where did your unfounded positivity go my friend?” said Tony, also changing. “Trust me. I can get us there in time.”

“Where did your unrelenting fatalism go my friend?”

“Why are you changing in the same room when this dump has at least four.” Thor’s question felt more like a statement as he took his tux and left to change in another room. He was definitely leaving for Asgard _today_.

 

 **** 15:40 – (2:20 hours until wedding) ****

 

The bills were paid, the bags were packed, Clint was rehydrated and smelling good, they were all stunning in their new suits, things were finally looking up to them. Stark drove at max speed for about 20 minutes, then he stopped in the middle of nowhere and got out of the car.

“Steve hold Carlos, please,” he said stepping out of the vehicle.

“Stark, what the fuck are you doing we don’t have time for this!” whined Clint.

“Exactly. Tighten your seatbelts, boys,” he opened the trunk and spread his arms, “I told you it’d be two hours if I drove,” the Iron Man armor formed around him, and he closed the trunk.

“You brought your armor to an overnight party in Vegas?” Steve was exasperated. “Oh, look at who I’m talking to…”

“Never leave home without it,” he closed the roof of the convertible and held on an especially designed handle on the top, “Ready or not, here I come!” he took off.

 

**** 17:59 – (0:01 hours until wedding) ****

 

Natasha had added 17 more ways to kill Stark to her mental folder over the last hour, as well as gotten Pepper’s endorsement. She was sitting in her wedding dress, regretting ever letting Clint go on _‘a little overnight fun just to get Stark off my back, honey!’_.

“I just got of the phone with Tony,” said Pepper entering the room, “He said he couldn’t talk but that you have nothing to worry about.”

“You know him better than anyone, what do _you_ say?” asked Natasha a little too aggressively.

“I say he was panting and that were a lot of wind noises.”

“He’s _flying_?! He's going to Switzerland. He thinks I don't know about his _'secret'_ cabin.”

“Nat, Tony is an idiot, but he wouldn’t do anything to risk your wedding. I don’t know what is happening, but he was serious this time. It’s going to be okay,” Pepper tried to calm her down.

“This is humiliating, I’m not getting left at the altar. The wedding is off.”

They heard a loud sound coming from the parking lot of the wedding venue, followed by whirring sounds and distressed voices.

_“Get Clint out!”_

_“Get out of my way!”_

_“Don’t slam the door you moron! Get Carlos!”_

_“Go! Go! Go!”_

Clint almost fell through the door, “Honey, I’m home!”

 

****

 

“We are gathered here today…” the priest started the ceremony.

“Where were you? And why are you so red?” whispered the bride.

“Honey… It’s a long story…” whispered the groom, “You know I can’t make any promises about this kind of thing ever happening again, but… I would never do anything to hurt you, you know that, right? Also, don’t ever drink anything Thor gives you… Just to be safe.”

They smiled fondly at each other, looking forward to both the crazy stuff life had in stock for the two of them as well as the stability they’d find in each other.

 

****

 

As soon as the ceremony was over Thor made good on his promise of leaving for Asgard and Clint grabbed Tony for a talk.

Tony was holding a glass of champagne.

“You’re drinking already? After what just happened?”

“Hey, it wasn’t the alcohol’s fault. It was Thor’s.”

“You guys ever found out what went down last night?”

“Some of it, why?”

“We spent a lot of time in a casino, didn’t we?”

“Yeah… Why?”

“Because when I woke up in that dump I had $150.000 worth of chips is my pockets!”

“No way!”

“I’m guessing it’s your money?”

“I think we won that together, but go ahead and keep it, consider it a wedding gift.”

“You’re the best, Stark!”

 

****

 

“Babe I missed you so much!” Tony hugged Pepper from behind, kissing her neck.

“Hey, honey!” she kissed his cheek and took his champagne. “Who’s this?” she motioned at the cat he held.

“Ow, yeah,” he let go from the hug and stood in front of her, “This is our new baby, Carlos.”

“Really, Tony?” she rolled her eyes. “Where did you even get him?”

“I have no idea. He was in the room when we woke up and I couldn’t just leave him there,” he gave her Carlos.

“He’s actually kinda cute. We just might keep him.”

“What do you mean ‘we might keep him’? Of _course_ we’re keeping him.”

She was laughing with him when suddenly Thor came back, in full Asgardian battle gear, and took the kitten from them.

“Thor what the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

“REVEAL YOURSELF!” Thor yelled, holding the kitten by its throat.

“Thor stop this! Are you nuts?”

“They told me you escaped! No more games Loki!” He sneered at the cat before a flash of green light revealed the god of mischief.

“Still wanna keep him?” asked Pepper.

“Nope,” answered Tony.

“Ow, can’t we have one normal fucking day?” complained Clint, reaching for a bow that wasn’t there.

“Took you long enough, brother,” Loki sneered back.

“The mead. It was you, wasn’t it?”

“Fritjof’s Poison. Intoxicating. Frees your inner self. Thought I’d be fun to see the mighty Avengers totally wasted,” he smiled wickedly. “Although you should know it wouldn’t have been that bad if you weren’t such heavy drinkers. At first I thought I was wasting my time but then you decided to throw Barton where he belongs...”

“Why are you like this, brother?” Thor sighed.

“Hello? God of mischief? What were you expecting? You leave to have fun with your friends and don’t even think to invite me? Never heard of the sleeping beauty? _Always. Invite. The. Bad. Guys_!”

“You mind control me and make me kill my coworkers and _expect me to invite you to my parties?_ ” Clint was livid.

“Oh, it’s been like, 2 years? Get over it.” Loki rolled his eyes.

“Worry not, friends. This time he won’t escape,” Thor summoned the Bifrost and left with Loki.

“Does that mean I spent the whole day cuddling with _Loki_?” Tony looked defeated.

“I’m sorry, honey… We’ll get you another cat,” she said sympathetically.

“Oh! Pep, I gotta show you this picture! You won’t believe it, it’s hilarious!” he pulled out his phone, only to be tackled to the ground by an angry super soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please leave a comment! I accept constructive criticism. This is my first fic, tell me if it's trash or not. Thank you for reading!  
> Come yell at me -> marvelsprinceofpain.tumblr.com


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